Compassion

I have been told multiple times that I should write a book about "Being Maddie's Mom." I have written about some of my experiences as her mother in my journal; and until now, only in my journal. There have been many private and painful moments where I have felt I couldn't share them--either because they hurt too much or because of fear of judgment that my own feelings were wrong to feel. This is silly because logically I know that our feelings aren't right or wrong--they just are. And if we are truly healthy we allow ourselves to go "through" these emotions. However, there is a part of me that has been so unforgiving of my own humanity. There are moments that I haven't begun to write about because I simply cannot go there yet and some I am still trying to make sense of their purpose in my life. But that book isn't going to be written by leaving those journal entries hidden away. So today I am commencing a new beginning: a journey to unearth these writings and to write even more.

Today, I am simply picking a starting point--where I can begin to weave the individual threads (experiences) into a tapestry that represents the complexity, the richness and the colorful hues of the last eleven years. There may not seem a rhyme or reason to the threads introduced, but I am convinced that, if allowed to unfold, a picture will be unveiled and a story will be told.

The following is a journal entry dated January 4, 2008. It just happened to be the first journal entry I picked today to review. I decided to peruse no further. I did so because I was surprised by my own lack of recall about how long I had been trying to deal with the most recent episode of depression in my life. 2009 was undoubtedly the most horrible year of my life. And I was never so happy to see a year come to an end. But when I looked at the date of this journal entry, I was shocked to see written evidence that I had been in denial about how long things had been so bad; apparently 2008 was the beginning of the crescendo into the chaos of 2009. It was also evidence that we are not alone and that small miracles grace us daily.

Journal entry dated January 4, 2008:
Our lives are reflected to us in the most unexpected times and places. Today I was standing in an aisle of a health store looking with desperate hopefulness for a supplement that would help me in my plight to find some hormonic harmony in my life. A woman asked me if I needed any help. Boy was that the wrong thing to ask. I started in spilling my guts; part of my brain was going, “Here she goes again with her blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.” and the other half saying, “Let her do this; this is her process. She is trying.” My brain banter was interrupted by the sound of my own voice saying, “I’ve been doing some research on PMDD (premenstrual dysmorphic disorder); do you have any Vitex?” “Of course. This way.” I followed her. I don’t remember specifically what I said, except that it was about being a mom to a special needs child and being overwhelmed and trying to take better care of myself. As I talked, she nodded and I watched tears form in her eyes and I found myself saying, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.” As I said it, I wiped my own tears. She shook her head and said, “I understand how you feel. I have a special needs daughter, too. I am a single mom, too. And I had to make the decision to put her in a home. I couldn’t handle her anymore."

I fought to maintain my composure, but my tears were flowing more readily now. My heart ached with compassion for this woman I didn’t even know. How is it that I had come to meet this stranger who had dealt with the very issue I'd been avoiding considering about my own daughter this very week? “I can’t imagine how much courage that must have taken for you to make such a choice.” I said softly to her. She half-smiled, with a painful hint of something I wasn’t sure of…maybe shame or guilt, or simply just hurt.

We had made our way to the cash register, where she told me my total. As I handed her my credit card, she handed me a box of Kleenex. I took two. I really wanted three, but I was practicing restraint. As she handed me the receipt I was to sign for her, she helped herself to a Kleenex, too. We stood there talking and crying as if we were old friends; not as if she was at work or there were other strangers around, able to hear some of the most difficult and intimate details of our lives. As I took my receipt and sack of optimism, she said, “Wait.” She took one of store’s business card and wrote her name and phone number on it. As she did, she broke down crying. Shaking her head, she said, “I’m just going to cry some more.” I reached in my wallet for my own business card and wrote my personal cell phone number on it and said, “I think we need to get together for some tea or tequila.” We both laughed knowingly. I reached across the counter, awkwardly, but eagerly and hugged Cathy, my new friend. I sighed heavily, but with hope that when I left, she would feel the same little bit of peace she had just given me. As I got in my car and drove away, I was thankful for such a sorrowful, but sweet exchange.

It made me aware of the irony that even though I say I believe as humans we fundamentally require connection, and I know I truly do, I conduct my life in a fashion that prohibits this connection on so many levels; and the connections I do allow are very controlled. The sad reason for this is that I fear if people knew how I really feel, they wouldn’t want me in their lives. Instead, they would think I am crazy. I feel crazy. And the craziness is indescribable and terrible and truly awesome. Even people who love me couldn't love me anymore if they knew--so I keep them at a self-prescribed distance.

I desire so emphatically to live an authentic life. But lately this desire has been superseded by my level of distraction, depression and anxiety. Sometimes I feel like I want to crawl out of my body. I don’t know what to do with the racing thoughts or the bodily sensations. I feel tingly and numb, nauseous, and like I am having the onset of a hypoglycemic event, but I know I am not because I’ve just eaten. I feel like I have been robbed of all the pleasure receptors in my brain and body. I am hoping and praying that the nutritional supplements I’ve purchased will make a change.


My meeting Cathy today reminded me that even strangers can show us that we are not alone. Our exchange was a welcome and surprising gift. The wanting I felt to comfort her in her pain reminded me how compassion connects us to each other and to the deepest parts of our emotional selves in the most unexpected of ways.

A perfect moment

This was a good morning; I didn't want to get out of bed though. I drifted in and out of a light slumber, one time to feel Maddie tickling my foot. I lay there for a minute and let her softly tickle it again. I wiggled my foot like it was too much. She giggled. Then she did it again. So did I. Again...her giggle. Finally, I crawled around my California King sized bed to where she was. She often sleeps with her head at the foot of my bed. (Yes, I have an 11 year-old who still sleeps in my bed...another post for another day.) Don't ask me why. It is one of those little idiosyncratic Maddie things I have come to simply accept. And it is that fact that makes me think of something I heard someone say that I think I believe and would like to expand more upon:

God gives us blessings and then God challenges us in and with these blessings to cause us to rise up to become the person we came to be.

I am too pressed for time this morning to adequately write my thoughts about this, so I will return with more, but suffice it to say now that Maddie has been the water that has eroded my rock and left--well not even a smooth space yet, but her life in mine is shaping me. And despite my ungraceful way of learning from her, that shape is beginning to show something a little more refined. I am grateful for her. And those are the words I whispered in my mind as I lay in her little arms this morning in the bed.

As I crawled around to her, she started to laugh and asked, "Did that tickle?" I answered, "Yes, you woke me up you turkey." She laughed again triumphantly. She lay next to me, holding me, stroking the back of my head sweetly. I said out loud, "This is a perfect moment." And it was despite the fact that both my arms were numb; I ignored that because it was her affection and actions that trumped any pain or discomfort I was feeling.

Thank you God for my little Maddie and the HUGE blessing and challenge she is in my life. I am grateful to have her, to see her for who she is, and to see myself with her and to grow from my relationship with her.

In The Beginning....

...I thought I had something to say. But then I sat watching the cursor blink at me. Finally, fear and the self-editing monster stuck their ugly necks out and said in chorus, "Na na na na na na." "Oh, how eloquent!" I retorted. Then I squashed them both with the memory that I was inspired by my dear friend Kiki, who recently created her own blog and courageously published her first posting. I thought, "I can do this." I have wanted to do this for some time. You may ask why. Or you may not, in which case, I'll still tell you: because writing is both cathartic and inspiring for me. One of my favorite authors, Maryanne Radmacher, wrote, "Writing is the process one follows to learn what is already known deep within." These days it is the act of plunking keys on a keyboard which allows this knowing out. So my premise is to write what I know and do not know about life and myself. (I included what I do not know because this would be a very short blog otherwise.)

I have taken writing courses before. The main tenet in each of these classes is that in order to become a better writer, one must simply write. To become a master, one must practice. So that is what I intend to do. I make no guarantees you will find anything I write to be exciting or worth merit. However, my sincere hope is that my words may lead just one reader to a place of inspiration.

I invite your comments and ask you to be discerning, but gentle as this is going to be quite an intimate journey for me.